June 7th, 2012: It was a yo-yo for two days, so now I’m back to 260, and hoping to hell I can be in the 250’s tomorrow. It’ll be hard not to do some kind of thing today to make that happen. There are things, you know. I’ve got these sauna shirts from Kutting Weight. They’re neoprene long-sleeve shirts that essentially make you sweat like you’re on a treadmill within a few hundred yards of the face of the sun. There are also water pills – the brand sitting there in my cabinet is called “WaterShed”.
I realize this though, and I hope you do to, that if I did something like that, it would only be for mental satisfaction, and it’s not a good idea anyway. Having done this before, all I’ve experienced is a temporary loss from excessive sweating, which I tend to gain back again. Or, decreased performance that day because I’m just too hot or too dehydrated. Or, nothing happens at all and I took pills and made myself uncomfortable for nothing.
So, what am I going to do? You guessed it, I hope. I’m going to believe that the program will do what the program will do in the program’s good time. This means just doing what I’m supposed to do, with added doses of hope and patience.
The next time I go to Disney World, to take William, I’m not going to be the fattest fuck in the entire amusement park. I’m not going to be the asshole walking down the aisle of the airplane who’s fat butt keeps brushing up against people while I hope and pray I can fit into the seat and the seat-belt can fit around my gut. I’m not going to be the father in the sweat-stained white T-shirt and elastic waistband shorts with mustard stains, just going through the motions until I can hit the beer garden and then the restaurant and then the air-conditioned hotel room to drink and eat even more.
June 7th, 2020: I hear about and think about “functional fitness” quite frequently. Here’s how The Mayo Clinic and WebMD describe functional fitness:
Functional fitness is a classification of training that prepares the body for real-life movements and activities. Also known as functional training or functional movement, “It trains your muscles to work together and prepares them for daily tasks by simulating common movements you might do at home, at work, or in sports.” – Mayo Clinic. Movements such as squatting, reaching, pulling, and lifting will be made easier with functional fitness integrated into your exercise routine. According to WebMD.com, functional fitness is focused on building a body capable of doing real-life activities in real-life positions, not just lifting a certain amount of weight in an idealized posture created by a gym machine. For example, you could be deadlifting 400+ pounds in the gym, but when you go to put a suitcase in the back of your car, you throw your back out. Or, you can bicep curl with 50-pound dumbbells with perfect form, but picking up your child makes you pull a muscle. If either of these things sound like you, it may be time to incorporate functional fitness training into your routine.
But does functional fitness help you look good at the pool? As I get older, I care less and less about aesthetics, but it still matters to me. I’d lay a bet that it matters to 99% of human beings. It’s kinda biological, and almost every guy has a little peacock in him that never goes away. Almost every guy who lifts weights still has that inner high-school football kid in him no matter what age. And, if you’re a guy like me, you sometimes let your ego or pride get in the way of your better judgement until you get hurt.
One of my mantra’s, learned at the school of injury, is that you should lift weights like you’re in physical therapy because of an injury – otherwise you’ll eventually find yourself in physical therapy because of an injury. This is one way I define functional fitness, and one path you follow on the program. We (the program and I), also define functional fitness as training for the ability to not only kick-ass, but to kick ass for 12 rounds, or if need be, all damn day long.
With that in mind, I keep that first rule on a pedestal. What is Rule #1? That’s right, Cardio is Rule #1. There is nothing more pitiful than seeing a yoked-up fella with the biceps and the chest fade out after a minute or two. I train for all-day cardio, and I train cardio for 3-minutes of “givin’ it all I got”, and I train for 60 seconds of sheer terror cardio.
For weight training, without getting into specific movements right now, I train one day a week with heavier weight and fewer reps, and one day a week with lighter weights and more reps. I try to hit upper body and legs every time I hit weights, and of course, always safety core. I try to do compound lifts (movements that target multiple muscle groups) as often as possible, but love to isolate and target for vanity’s sake and for targeting areas that might get injured. I go s-s-s-s-s-l-l-o-o-w with each rep, and I try to make each rep matter – as if somebody is always watching.
I threw away pride long ago in favor of form, and in doing so, my form has improved my function. Now my function has improved my form; if form is what my damn body looks like. My cardio has improved my weight-lifting performance, and my weight-lifting performance has improved my cardio. My cardio has improved my attitude, which has had a positive effect on my diet, and my diet has had a positive effect on my cardio and on my weightlifting. All of which have improved my outlook on life. This, to me, is the goal of functional fitness.
