June 2nd, 2012: Scratch and claw man, just chip away. 266 today. This is only one pound down, but two days and two pounds at least protects the scale from being stomped into screws, wires, plastic and random bits of metal.
My workouts are on point – I have no problem with exercise. We’re still planning on doing the Snake River Classic half-marathon next week. Holy shitwad – that’s 14 days away. I’ve never ran 13 miles before. I don’t even know if I’ve ever walked that far, but I do know that I’ll finish this race. There is no question in my mind. If I have to finish it dragging myself by my lips…
We’re up to 10 mile runs though, my teammate and I (Juliana, of course). And we can do these pretty easy. A 266 lb. half-marathoner is not something you see every day, so keep on the lookout! I was hoping to be more like 240 by then, but whatever.
The only ever fun-run I’ve done was in Lewiston, ID in 1998. I’d been training up in Moscow, ID, which is 2579 ft. above sea-level. Lewiston is 745 ft. above sea-level. You would not believe the difference the drop in elevation makes in your cardio. My 10K run time in Lewiston was like 10 minutes faster than in Moscow that day – I felt weightless! Afterword the first thing I did was light up a cigarette and drink a beer. Yep, that was me back in the day.
No beer or cigarettes after the half-marathon on the 16th, but I’ll celebrate somehow! All of a sudden I’m a little excited and nervous at the same time.
June 2nd, 2020: Sometimes you do lose it, and lose it for good. You fall off the damn wagon and into the fresh shit pit. It’s been a long time since it’s happened to me though, but I can’t promise that it won’t ever happen again.
I run across a larger number of people than you might expect who consider eating disorders, and other complex mental disorders, as things that can be “cured”. As a professional psychologist, and an eating disorder and clinical-anxiety experienced warrior, I know this to be inaccurate. There is no cure, there’s only management. There is no set-it and forget-it here. This my friends, is why endurance is such a critical, yet often not discussed construct within the Thunderdome.
My parents used to say stuff to me like, “Now that you’ve lost the weight, you can start eating again, right?” This was delivered as a question, but it’s not a question – it’s an indictment. Read between the words/lines there. They both know I’m a long-term user of SSRI medication as well, and regarding this, they liked to regularly say “How is your anxiety these days, Ben?” To which I reply, “Always a battle, but doing well.” And then, “Since you’re doing well with it, then you can stop those pills then, right Ben?” Again, search for the true meaning…
The irony of love is that those closest to you have the ability to piss you off the worst and sometimes make you scratch at the door of fury more than anyone. Easily explained, but still aggravating. It’s because most other people’s individual opinions don’t matter as much. Collectively, the opinions of rest of the people in the world matter, but it takes about 100 other people’s thoughts about you to equal the impact of 1 person who you love.
I’m rabbit-trailing. The point is that I’m trying to learn to be respectful of others’ naivete where mental disorders and weight problems are concerned – and I can almost guarantee that the latter is a manifestation of the former. To be a little chunky is one thing, to be full-blown obese is another. To be a little too worried about stupid stuff occasionally is one thing, to become out of control with panic about life’s “is’s” is another. The latter in each case is a mental disorder, and mental disorders can very easily become terminal illnesses.
Mental illness, obesity, etc. aren’t “cured”, they are “managed”. Managed means this ain’t ending buddy. It’s not a firefight every day, but keep your guns clean, locked, and loaded, your eyes wide open, and your spirit moving forward. I learned that when I feel good, it’s great, but I can’t ever forget there are wolves in the forest.
To the best of my will and ability, I’ll remain true to the program, but in order to do so, I first need to take extreme care with my mental health. Oh, but my mental health is so tightly braided with my fidelity to the program. See where this is going? The Program is so much more than what to eat, what to lift, and how far to run.
