May 17th, 2012: I must have peed 850 times yesterday. I knew it, and felt it – I was gonna have a nice scale drop, and hell yeah, I was correct. 264 lbs. today. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this weight. It’s vindication, it’s additional proof of concept, and so therefore, I’m going to Baskin-Robbins today for a Northern Express 6-scoop sundae!
Yeah right. First of all, there ain’t even such a thing as a fuckin Northern Express sundae. And if there were, Mr. Demon, I’d shove it up your ass anyway. You lose today, I win.
Success breeds success on the program. Although I would like to think it’s all over when I hit 189, I know it’s not. Until I reach that weight, though, I have accepted the program’s didactic that whether the news is good, or the news is bad, it’s still fuel for the fire. Anything I can find I will use for motivation, whether it’s a dried cow-shitpie or properly seasoned split-pine firewood.
Does that not sound like religion to you? If it’s good, God is good. If it’s shitty, then God is teaching you a lesson, so it’s still good, just indirectly. Ya just can’t go wrong!
May 17th, 2020: As kind of continuation of yesterday’s cocoon post, I was thinking about how often I say no to almost everyone when they want to do anything anywhere anytime that’s any fun.
I’m making a blanket apology statement, with the addendum of sorry-not sorry. Way back when it all began, I knew that I’d gotten so far down the hole that the only way out was to go all in. The time and thought commitment required to maintain my weight in the 180’s is still considerably large. And unforgiving.
It doesn’t have to be that way, the program doesn’t ask that of me. I still skate on thin ice, BUT the ice gets noticeably thicker as I get older. I believe this is the natural process. If, in 5 years, I still find myself stepping gingerly across lush green fields because I’m terrified of a stepping on a land-mine, then I’m going to seriously re-evaluate. However, it feels that I’m working my back into normalcy with the same underlying concept that program enabled me to lose weight. I will sum it up with one word: PATIENCE.
I love the people who love me, and I even love some people who may not – I am, after all, an acquired taste. My friends, I’m certain, understand that to work my way back to being a good friend to them is going to require a little bit more time. But, as with the program, I am all in on this as well. As I emerge from the cocoon, I’ll learn and practice fun shit again, sans alcohol and gi-normous amounts of picnic food wherever I go.
Despite all that goes on in the world, all the bad and weird news, etc., it’s still pretty damn fun being alive. It’s a helluva ride, but until I totally no longer give a shit, I need to make sure I can fit in the seat and the safety bar can clamp in around me so we can keep that ride going.
