April 3rd, 2012: I fucked up yesterday. I am not gonna kick my own ass for too long, or at least I’m gonna try not to because I suppose today is a new day. I didn’t even weigh again today. I know it can’t be good. Just the weight of the food alone would put me well back into the mid 290’s, and it ain’t even converted to fat yet. Goddammit.
I went ape-shit on the food, no other way to say it. Yesterday’s menu:
– normal oatmeal breakfast (hadn’t weakened yet)
– cottage cheese (still hadn’t weakened)
Lost it about right here:
– 1 whole box of mini rainbow chips-deluxe
-Reed’s Dairy 2-scoop sundae
– 1/8 of a sheet cake with buttercream frosting
– 2 tenderloin steaks
-half a package of caramel/toffee scones
– 2 large orders of McDonald’s fries
April 3rd, 2020: Man it happens. Willpower fails me every now and then, which is why I hadda learn to be skillful at stopping the bleeding and rehabilitating my brain, and I mean promptly. I’ve got to be good, and I’ve got to be fast. I go over 24 hours eating out of control and/or beating myself up too much because of it, and I might be dead to the program. I’ve got to keep those personal psychological trauma-surgeon skills up-to-date and ready because maybe not the first time, but by the 3rd time I lose it, I could see myself saying fuck it, I’m done for now – may as well go back to Day 1 in couple of months. Or in a couple of years.
As I’ve said before, this is serious shit. This has the potential to be routinely scary shit. Or it can be fun. I waffle between the two – no pun intended. Sometimes back in 2012 I would quit taking myself so seriously. Sometimes in the 8 years between I’ve done the same. Most of the time, though, I can’t help but have this battle right there on the front burner of the stove.
Here’s the thing, I still do most of what I need to in life, as far as work and parenting and sometimes even recreation. I’ve learned that most of us have some weird shit on the front burner that preoccupies the mind. I wouldn’t trade my obsession with weight and diet and exercise for some of the fucked-up things with which I know many other people have to address on a daily basis. It could be much much worse. I could dig up things that are much much worse in my own life, but thankfully, I have this obsession that runs great interference to that set of demons.
