February 29th, 2012: Uh-oh, hope I’m not getting sucked into an eddy. Stuck at 302 for today. I even tried to get the two for two, but instead I got the 0 for 2. Worked my butt off yesterday. Oh well. Every day I continue with the program…
I was thinking this morning about how some of the strangely fond memories in my life are when I have struggled. I look back on those times now and I, well, it’s not that I miss them, I just feel like they’re good things to have in my pocket. Experiences, that, you know, were tough, are good for you in the long run, as long as you survive them and come out on the other side a better person. This is a hell of a struggle for me. It’s one that I believe I’m winning right now, and one with which I’m determined to be successful. This first part, getting to goal weight, is all I can think of right now. After goal, I’ll have to put that worry on the back-burner, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. But, I know that in two years, ridiculous as it seems at this moment, I’ll look back on this weight struggle with more than a little sentiment. What that equals out to right now is getting as much of it down on paper as possible, and trying to absorb as much of these feelings as I have right now, so I can draw on them later. Save them like money in the bank for a rainy day when I don’t think I’m up to a challenge. I’ll be able to say, “man, if I can lose 161 lbs., I can do anything”.
“Enjoy” our time now, and commit it to memory, because the challenge and the struggle may be some sort of weird gift-card or powerful tool to use in the future.
February 29th, 2020: The cheapest forms of entertainment are the canned and easy things. I can’t remember one roller-coaster ride at any particular amusement park from the next, and I know I’ve been on some fun and “scary” rides – but they all blend together. I don’t remember clearly many “successes” in life. They often have some kind of medal or little trophy to commemorate them, but even then, it’s difficult to bring back the feeling of that moment. I can’t clearly remember the times I won without trying that hard, but I have photos to prove they happened.
I remember very clearly what it’s like to go through PTSD; to lose loved ones; to be scared to death of failure; to pack out an elk when I didn’t think I could take one more step and I was soaking wet and freezing and thirsty and hungry, and the truck was miles away.
I can feel what it feels like to fear that I’ll fumble the football on the opening kickoff when it’s sent to me at the Emotion Bowl my junior year of high-school, and the event plays out in real-life identically to that fear. I can still remember what it’s like to absorb the first punch to my face from my opponent in the ring who I knew was probably gonna kick my ass, and did.
The snow and the cold of January’s past haunt me because of the many times I tried to quit things or improve my life, but then failed because it was just too hard or I was just too scared, or both. Those are always dark and cold days, but I don’t just see them in my mind’s eye, I can still smell and taste them.
Damn, I love and cherish and embrace all the crystal-clear memories of those scary, painful, tragic, dark, cold, and desolate events, times, places, and feelings. They are there every day to prop me up, because guess what? None of them killed me. I may die, falter, or fail at some point, but it fuckin-A won’t be today. Challenges and battles and fights, no matter what the opponent, are the purest and most valuable forms of entertainment. Add the challenge of losing weight to this list, because in retrospect, it’s been, and continues to be quite the strange, uncomfortable, difficult, and interesting ride. This only means I’ll be able to add it to the list of my very favorite times. Someday.
