February 14th, 2012: Neither gained nor lost. Still 313. Today is progress-picture day. You can see a little more difference than the last progress-pic. That damn right arm of mine, though. Why does it seem to be longer than my left arm? I’m left-handed, too. My left arm should be longer. By the way, I’m not smiling in my progress photos right now because they’re still more or less mugshots. Guilty of eating too much for too long. I’ll smile after I go below, mmm, let’s say 243 lbs.
There are questions I have of the universe that hopefully after I die I’ll found out the answer to, though it’s probably not likely, especially these weight-loss ones: Why does everything I love to eat have to be eaten in moderation? Seriously. Why could I eat a whole field full of brussell-fuckin sprouts (which I gag thinking about) and probably gain only 1 pound, but if I eat three pieces of Papa Murphy’s pizza I’d blow up like a balloon? I really want the answer to that. Why do the things that taste the best have to have the most calories? Why is there such a thing as a beer gut? I used to love drinking beer. Why can’t there be a cooked carrot gut instead? Or a salad-with-hardly-any-dressing badonkadonk butt? Dammit! Alright, and what about time? How the hell does that work? How is it that an entire weekend seems to go faster than 60 seconds on my treadmill when I’ve got it turned up so fast I can hardly breathe? It really does seem like that, I’m not just rappin’. Those 60 seconds last longer than 48 hours! Why does it seem like I put on all this weight overnight, but it seems like it’ll be a century before even half of it is off?
Ah hell, the crazy ways I think sometimes. I know there are no answers. At least the brain forgets pain rather quickly, or I would never go back downstairs and turn up that treadmill again.
February 14th, 2020 (retrospective): Another thing I’m known for is starting in on an idea, then moving to entirely different one without even realizing it. I started with routine and structure and moved into chess-fighting yesterday. Now I’m bouncing back to structure and routine, as they’ve been identified as one of the major factors that predict adherence to a weight-loss, weight-management program. As soon as I carved out my routine, and began to take daily steps to adhere to it, and I knew my train was slowly, but surely, moving south, I carved out that routine, polished it, practiced it, and turned it into my religion. Not a metaphorical belief system, this is a religion, it is not just philosophy and belief anymore, it now includes action. It’s probably the only concept I’ve ever initiated that started in raw belief and emotion, added philosophy and contemplation, moved onto focused thought and planning, led to action, and sustained all of the above while bringing me results. If that’s not something to fight for, nothing is, and I will continue to fight for it tooth and nail. In a sense, I’ve given my life to this routine, and I’d just about die for it. In fact, I sometimes catch myself nearly killing myself to make sure it happens. Sure, the routine has morphed as I polished it, and at times I’ve nearly lost my religion, but essentially, I would have to be excommunicated now before I’d leave it. The process is my religion, and my mind, body, and soul are my trinity. Don’t let me confuse you with my feelings of a higher power and a higher order of the universe – I’m just talking about my daily god.
But every religion has its lies, false promises, nefarious intentions, and insanity, and if you’re not careful, so does the program. On a regular basis, I fall prey to needless guilt, feelings of being a sinner, and self-hatred, based on my adherence to the process. This is a top developmental priority as I continue to improve the program as I apply it. It’s a critical part of the process triumvirate that falls within the psychology domain. The fundamental principle here is that sin and guilt can’t be experienced in the traditional sense when I apply them to physical fitness and weight-loss/weight-management. Obviously easier said or written about than accomplished, but I’m continuously looking for some method to take feelings of imagined sin and guilt, which are primary barriers to success, and turn them into psycho–fuel.
