February 8th, 2012: Down 2 more lbs. today to 316. Something’s working this week. I just have to be patient and let my body do its thing. You know, you want to hurry this, but it’s just not gonna’ happen. It’s like trying to sprint in the swimming pool, even in the shallow end. You still walk like a creature of some sort even when you’re going as fast as you can.
This has been my hardest week so far on the program. I think with my funky schedule at the end of last week, plus some sunny weather last weekend that gave me a little cabin-fever; it all added up to a struggle. I feel all the more powerful for surviving it and keeping with the program, to the letter, though. I went into the weekend heavier and came out lighter – and that is all that matters. In the end, I figure this weekend was a thumbnail of what I will see when I look back on this whole thing. Like a tunnel. I’ll have gone into the program at 350, effectively put most of who I was on hold for a year, and came out the other side a different person at 189. That will be weird.
The program is simply a sport you engage in on a daily basis. Offense is exercise, defense is diet. It really couldn’t get any simpler. Well, as far as the mechanics. How you deploy your offense and defense – yeah that seems to be just a little more complex.
February 8th, 2020 (retrospective): Prior to getting a hip replacement last June, I could run 6 miles in less than 42 minutes, easily. I coach boxing, and prior to the hip surgery, I could easily spar non-stop for 12-15 rounds with just about anyone. I weighed-in today at 188 pounds, so I’ve kept off that 161 pounds, plus 1 for fun. My problem is effectively solved, right? Not even close. Anybody who’s gained and lost that amount of weight has an eating disorder, likely has anxiety and/or depression issues, and now has body dysmorphia issues. I eat one piece of broccoli too many, get pushed over my daily calorie goals, and I absolutely feel horrible about myself. That piece of broccoli is not just annoying, it may be the setting of a precedent, a slippery slope to a loss of self-control. It’s the demon in me. “Now that you’re skinny you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. It must feel so good to be in shape.”
The goal is reached. I got the gig, but now I have to keep it, and this has proven to be just as much of a challenge, or more, than getting here. I have to pass this on, I have to help others, I have to live it. I have to eat it, breathe it, sleep it. You’d think I have no time for anything else.
The process is structure though, and the structure of the process eases my mind. Each day that goes by represents another opportunity for me to test and adjust and define navigational barriers and figure out how to change from someone brittle and breakable, to someone who can bend and flex with the pressure and the wind and the waves life sends my way, and stay composed and in one piece through it all.
For the record, I learned that being obsessed/possessed by the process actually takes a lot less time than constantly worrying about what garbage I’m going to eat, and how I plan to spend my day doing nothing. The program gave me back some time, and that’s more valuable than all the gold in the world.
