Day 31

February 1st, 2012:

Lost that stupid little pound I had gained, so now I’m back on the weight interstate and headed south. Weight = 322 lbs.

How many of you had a “last supper” kind of thing before you started a diet? I’ll never forget mine, and it’s been long enough I can talk about it without being sad or sickened. I think I’m still a little full from it, though. Sitting there the Sunday before “The Monday”. You know, I’d been talking all kinds of shit right up to that point. “Yep, this is the year I go on a diet. Won’t be any problem. ‘Bout time I lost this weight.” And so forth. Then Sunday, “Diet Eve”, and I was so damn nervous. All of a sudden I was so scared to leave that lifestyle behind. I felt like part of who I am was leaving town forever. I knew I’d make it through breakfast and lunch, but then I knew that by 3 that Monday I’d already be having second thoughts because something made me frustrated at work. Thankfully, I pushed through that day. But, back to that Sunday. We decided to eat in the front room at this coffee table we have that lifts up into a kitchen table (it’s damn convenient for NFL Sundays). I knew it was the last time for a long time – maybe forever – so I made my mind up to eat until I was sick. By the time it was done: A tenderloin steak, a ribeye steak, a plate of spaghetti carbonara, shrimp cocktail, stuffed mushrooms, and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Holy hell. That did it. I was still sick the next day at 3. Still full. I get full right now thinking about it. What’s your “last supper” story?

February 1st, 2020 (retrospective): Changing my liabilities into assets sometimes requires me to simply turn that frown upside down.  One of my most dangerous traits is my all or nothing attitude when it’s applied to maladaptive behaviors.  If I eat something I shouldn’t, it’s likely I’ll enter the avoidance-behavior chain and talk myself into eating all of it – every bit of it that’s in the house, and maybe another dose or two from the store, depending on what time of day it is.  All I have to do is tell myself that I’ll start tomorrow, and then I’ve given myself the go-ahead to demonstrate an epic failure.  This is a major liability, that when turned into an asset, looks something like me being proud that I understand that attitude in myself, and will dig deep to go all in and not approach things half-assed.  This understanding of myself, learned the hard way of course, means that many times I can look at the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and almost laugh at it – or at least smile and walk away.  Not eating the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup makes me smile, eating it makes me frown.  Which option is really crazy – the one that causes the frown or the one that causes a smile?  Is that all you’ve got?  Bring it on!  I learned to love feeling that hunger! I love that it makes me keep the eye of the tiger!  The clarity of my dreams is indirectly proportional to how much garbage I eat. The distance between my dreams and my reality decreases each time I make the food decision that I know is the correct one.