January 31st, 2012: Well, I gained a pound back today, but did nothing different. The process will do what the process wants. 323 lbs. I guess it’s there to keep me humble.
Added a progress photo – day 1 against day 30. You can kinda see a little change I suppose. Seems like I’m having to look really close to see that difference, though, considering how titanic this challenge has thus far felt.
Here’s a true story to remind me of why it sucks to be fat.
Last summer I took my family to a resort in Montana where they had a swimming pool, golf, horseback riding, etc. First golf. I’m not a good golfer at all, that’s not the story. The memory is of walking down the fairway and just sweating, sweating all the time. Melting. I couldn’t even wear sunglasses because the sweat dripped in my eyes. It wasn’t even really that hot. Nobody else looked like they had been running through sprinklers. Just me. People kept asking, “Are you all right, man?” I did feel fine – I mean, the heat actually didn’t bother me. Only the profuse sweating bothered me. I was just really embarrassed by how bad I was sweating.
Next was swimming: Swim trunks. No shirt. Enough said.
Last was horseback riding. I was a bronc rider in high school. I haven’t owned or ridden horses in 15 years, but it’s like riding a bike, you know. I was so excited to take my family on this ride. The place basically lets you have the horses for the afternoon and you can ride them on any of the trails in the system. There was a sign that read “Weight Limit: 250 lbs.” I lied and told them I was 250 exactly. They looked at me skeptically. I helped my family get on their horses and then it was my turn. My horse was a bay-colored Quarter Horse named “Renegade”. I put my left foot in the stirrup, I reached my left hand up and grabbed the reins and the saddle horn. I stepped/grunted up and threw my right leg over his back and settled into the other stirrup. Renegade groaned. Seriously. Uhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m not kidding, that’s what the horse sounded like (I’m actually laughing about it a little right now). I clicked my tongue, loosened the reins, and squeezed my heels in a little to get him moving. Renegade took about five steps, stopped, and slowly sank down to his knees – right there in front of everyone. No bullshit. I hopped off and was like, “Oh man, this horse is too old or something.” Anything to save face. I just said, “Well let me lead him a ways, and I’ll try again.” I ended up walking a two mile trail while the rest of my family rode. I sweated the whole way, and huffed and puffed, and was humiliated. It is kind of funny, now that I’m thinking about it. However, I will never let that happen again! NEVER!
January 31st, 2020 (retrospective): Alton Brown, from the Food Network, was talking to a group of potential Next Food Network Stars. He told them that they have to turn their liabilities into assets. I took that to heart, and consider it often. It’s non-intuitive and unnatural, but I’m learning that it works. The twist on this in the military is the saying “embrace the suck”. Again, unnatural. As I moved deeper into this process matrix, I started applying these unnatural thoughts to the process itself, and they’ve edged their way over into normalcy – at least for me. What a lot of people might call crazy, I just call adaptation. I think of Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump when he’s on the mast of that ship in the shit-storm. Lightning’s popping everywhere, there’s wind, horrid rain – and he’s just up there screaming and laughing and essentially telling the storm to bring it on – “You’ll never sink this boat!! Is that all you’ve got?? Blow, you sonofabitch”. Mostly my battle is mundane, quiet, and chronic, but at times I feel like I’m in a shit-storm. Either way, it still requires me to adjust the lens through which I view life, and instead of cowering from things, I aim to charge head-on into them. I must turn my liabilities into assets if I’m gonna survive. Anything that hurts actually feels so damn good. Anything’s that confusing is actually crystal clear, and as soon as I start thinking I can’t do something at all, I’ll remember that I just have to learn to do it better than it’s ever been done before. This is how I’ll prove to myself that I’m alive and can hit any of life’s pitches clear out of the park.
