January 24th, 2012: Scale number = 329 lbs. My war continues, but we advanced the battle lines. I didn’t change diet any, just still sticking to the letter of the law of the process and the program. I did kind of do a “Last Chance Workout” thing yesterday. I did my usual 30 minutes on the treadmill, but also last night I did a 30 minute boxing workout, and then, while I was walking my German Shepherd dog, Charly, I started instead, to run. It was snowing and blowing, and we loved it – dog and dieter – busting drifts down the country road. Did about 2 miles. I’ll be doing that again! Disclaimer: I do know that I’m in the honeymoon stage of this, where I’m so fat that it’s coming off easy. But look over there, I’ll cross that other bridge when I come to it!
I used to fight wildland fires with the BLM. We were a hard partying bunch, but when fire season started every year in earnest, my boss would tell us to quit drinking by giving us this advice: “It’s time to start feeling good in the morning instead of at night”. If you’ve read my book, you’ll know I didn’t always follow that advice. Now I’ve applied that advice to this new lifestyle, though, and I’ve followed it for 23 days. As you know, I have that hard time between 6 pm and 10 pm, but damn I feel good in the morning. Heading down to the treadmill right now. Instead of 3000 calories of crap to eat, though, I bought some different flavors of coffee for the Keurig, and I’ll just sample those all day! Talk to ya’ tomorrow.
January 24th, 2020 (retrospective): As you might have noted, I’m writing this second section as a retrospective, and in the year 2020. They say “hindsight is 2020”. Here it‘s “hindsight in 2020”, i.e. viewing this long journey with the benefit of the passage of time. I’m essentially the same mental and emotional person writing about two different physical people – so physically different, in fact, that I can be standing next to former co-workers, people who saw me every day, and they don’t even recognize me. I love it! It’s happened at least a half a dozen times. I’ve had to re-introduce myself to some people. I’m still the same me, and though I’ve gained a new level of physical self-confidence, the emotional side still sometimes seems like a house of cards. Always my emotions and actions have to be monitored, and every day there is payment due in order to fit in my clothes.
When writing the retrospective, I sometimes feel like one of those old assholes, Statler or Waldorf, on the Muppet show, that sat up in the balcony and criticized everything – I look at these old journal entries and shake my head and feel like saying to myself, “why didn’t you get yourself together sooner?” or “why the hell did you head down that road to begin with.” Other times I feel really sorry for that guy in the before photos, and then scared for him, because he’s still me and those demons are still there. I still binge just like I did then, just not as often, and I still always want to binge like I did then. I still have no emergency STOP switch. A couple of times yesterday it was hard to control my urge to eat too much, It’s already crossed my mind today, and I know I will confront it in some form tomorrow, probably somewhere between 6 pm and 10 pm, just like 8 years ago. I’m determined to fight, though, I love the fuckin fight, and I’ve learned to have a high tolerance for self-deprivation when there is no other choice. Sometimes you’ve just gotta run uphill and into the wind.
