January 22nd, 2012: Down another pound. 331, this is 19 lbs. down. I was hoping for 21 pounds in 21 days – but at least I took a step south. I cannot and will not rush this. That, I think, is one of the big secrets: PATIENCE. Maybe I’m coming close to that “new normal” state of mind that everyone talks about where the thought of inhaling a whole large pizza in 20 minutes seems mildly strange. That is not to say that the thought of cramming a boatload of greasy food down my gullet doesn’t blindside me sometimes.
I have to daydream a lot to get through the boring times. I have to consciously put myself somewhere else, or I’m afraid I’ll get attacked by the “screw-this-up” demons. So here’s my daydream today – It’s June 2013 and I’m jogging down a Florida beach. 90 degrees, but I’m not melting. My shirt’s off, but I ain’t jiggling. I jump into the water once in awhile and burst back out. I feel fast and smooth. My old pride in my body is back. I might be an athlete again.
There are no fences bordering the fields of my imagination, and nobody can tell me what I can or can’t dream. On top of that, I’m doing something to make those dreams come true. Have a fantastic day!
January 22nd, 2020 (retrospective): People talked “at” me about diet and exercise constantly when I was fat, now people talk “to” me. It’s refreshing, and I’m grateful I can spread the message, so to speak – but I NEVER do it unsolicited, i.e. I’m not gonna dispense advice – it’s belittling when you aren’t asking for any goddamn advice. When fat, I got told all the time to do things like talk a walk around the block, watch your portions, eat lots of vegetables to make you stuffed, and drink lots of water – and though it was likely meant to be helpful, all it did was aggravate me – it’s not like I hadn’t heard or read about almost everything there is about diets. I even regularly got diet advice from other fat people, and it was always unsolicited. One fellow fat person once gifted me a book titled something like “Breaking up with Fat”. WTF.
Interestingly, or ironically, once I got below 200 lbs., there were people now telling me they were worried I was sick, or worried that I wasn’t getting enough to eat. Jesus H., seriously?!? 190 something pounds is not small! This is metaphorically planting a dirty seed. You know you’re getting enough to eat. I’ll talk more about this later, as it was very detrimental to me, and was one hell of a barrier to get over. Point being, there are demons everywhere, do you get me? Even people who may be trying to help are actually just about to fuck you up. Proceed with caution, and be mindful of your own words and those of people who may think they’re helping when they offer guidance concerning diet and exercise. And no matter what anyone says, no matter what – do not let those words make you, for one second, stray outside of your navigational beacons. Your own words matter, your own thoughts matter, your own experience matters, and most important, your belief in yourself matters. Give yourself a strong platform.
