Day 19

January 20th, 2012: Here we go again. Followed everything to the letter and gained a pound. Same thing happened last week, then I lost 2 in one day. So it’s applying a common phrase now to weight loss. Instead of “two steps forward, one step back”, it’s “two pounds down, one pound up”. Mildly frustrating, but all part of the fun. I guess.

There was a blog I looked at last week, and a guy wrote about the negative changes in social life when you’re overweight. Specifically, he mentioned how he seemed to have broken ties with many old friends as he realized he had weight problems. That same thing has happened to me over recent years. I mean, I knew I was a fat fuck like 6 or 7 years ago, but my inner issues with it manifested themselves in an overly extrovert personality. I had a big mouth, a huge and somewhat disingenuous sense of humor, and I was nice to people that inside I actually disliked. In other words, I was a fake. I hated myself after an evening drinking huge, and eating huge, and talking huge. I have flushed that scene completely now, and though I miss the fun parts, I’m not missing the flip side of it at all. I’m going to continue to work on that along with this weight loss thing. I don’t want to be the fat, funny guy anymore. I do have a pretty good sense of humor, and I don’t want to lose that, but maybe I should learn to not be quite so self-deprecating, and therefore, prey to those who would be unnecessarily disrespectful. I do sometimes want to go out with friends and stuff – I just don’t want to be that guy anymore. I wonder if I could ever lose that identity and that stigma. I don’t want to act a certain way just because that’s what people expect. This is going to be quite the balancing act. We all deserve respect and success – no matter our looks or weight or whatever, but with our body changes I bet we’ll all see changes in the treatment we receive from others as well.

January 20th, 2020 (retrospective): An observation, and prove me wrong – I don’t care who you are or what your message is, your message will never be as powerful or as respected if you’re fat.  Ironically, your message will not carry the same weight as it would if it was delivered by a lighter version of you.  Is this human nature?  There are exceptions of course, but in my experience, they are rare.  This was always a hard one for me to, ya know, stomach.  I have an extensive, expensive, and wide-ranging curriculum vitae, but in all my years of morbid obesity, nobody could have given two shits what I had to say.  Maybe they still don’t, but at least I’m not so bitter about it anymore.  I was especially careful to never mention things about diets and exercise – and here again, I’m still cautious, though I’m in the best shape of my life.  The process works, but the process is precarious, and relapse waits like the wolf outside your door.  Process or not, it’s still your character and your willpower that gets you anywhere, and your locus of control has to remain inside of you.  I prefer to keep the details of the process and my journey to myself in conversation.  I will write about it until your eyes cross, but in casual conversation I prefer to just say I diet and exercise.  I need to work on being a listener more than a speaker, a catcher more than a pitcher.  Everyone needs more skill as a listener.